DESIGNED TO MOVE
Some cars are built
to look good, others are designed for performance. XXXXXs are designed to do
both. When it comes to driving pleasure, you’ll find this in our DNA. Every
bolt, every nut, every decision has been made to deliver the ultimate experience.
It’s not just what XXXXXs are made of, it’s what they’re made from. It’s built
from passion, belief and determination to deliver the XXXXX. It’s the only
thing we won’t be moved on. Find out more at XXXXXX or visit your local dealer
to experience it for yourself.
Remember
when car ads had loads of great copy that told you everything about the car and
really moved you to book a test drive? Or they had an absolute killer headline
that had exactly the same effect, and just a phone number so you could book
that test drive?
Well
this ad has neither.
Now
I know it’s all about short copy and nobody reads long copy any more. But
surely the trend isn’t towards terrible short copy.
Take
the headline. (I wish you would.)
This
car is DESIGNED TO MOVE. Well that’s quite handy when you need to get the kids
to school. Or when your boss would like you to come in and perform a few little
taskettes.
So
let’s move on to the body copy. Or, as I’d like to call it, a stream of
non-sequiturs which have been thrown together in no particular order.
Take
the first two sentences. This car is designed to look good. OK, a bit basic and
hardly the stuff to stir your soul, stiffen your sinews and make you book that
test drive. But it’s also designed to ‘do’ performance. Say what?
When it
comes to driving pleasure, you’ll find this in our DNA.
This
sentence bears no relation to the proceeding one, and if it did, shouldn’t it
be ‘these’ and not ‘this’?
It’s
not just what XXXXXs are made of, it’s what they’re made from.
Aren’t
these the same thing?
This
is followed straight away with, ‘It’s built from…’ Shouldn’t this be ‘They’re built with…’
We
also have two uses of ‘deliver’ in three sentences. Not
only repetition which is plain bad writing, but ‘deliver’ is one of those
ubiquitous verbs which is used everywhere by lazy writers – which is why it’s
ubiquitous. ‘Access’ is another.
Deliver
is what lorries and vans do. And social services these days. Not cars.
Above
all, the ad has no specifics. How was it made? Is anything new? What are the
innovations? How does it perform? What are the gadgets? How big’s the boot?
What’s the upholstery? What’s the MPG? Why does it look good? Most important of
all, how do your passion, belief and determination infuse your whole design,
development and manufacturing process? See. They’re specifics.
So
what’s the car which has been barely touched in on this copy? Stand up and take
the applause BMW. But you probably already guessed that.
Now,
I’m not just moaning for the sake of moaning. These are great cars and they
deserve great advertising. Or at least, advertising from people who know how to
do it.
Like
this:
Or
this:
As
I said at the start, you can either go this way. Or have a killer headline and
just a call to action.
Like this:
Or
this:
Or
even this:
But not like this:
I must apologise here. The ad is a
DPS but I couldn’t fit the other half on my scanner. It’s just a load of whoosh
lines, so this is actually the better half.